No, seriously: Halloween Resurrection sucks.

So, last time around we covered Michael Myers killing Jamie Lee Curtis, and with her, his last motivation as a character to continue existing. But he’s not done at the asylum, no sir. While headed for the door he pauses at the tubby guy’s room. And doesn’t kill him. No, instead he hands the self-described expert on serial killers the knife and walks away.

Why? Why would you do that? Are you trying to frame him for the murder of the security guards and Jamie? Because I’m pretty sure the evidence is going to point another way, no matter whose prints are on the knife. Also he’s on a bunch of video camera footage. Or did he steal the tapes as well? But why would he do that? For this whole framing thing to have been included at all in the script the writer would have to know nothing at all about the character of Michael Myers.

A theory that I’m pretty sure I can prove right now.

Remember how tubby was supposed to be an expert on serial killers, and knew the exact details of John Wayne Gacy’s murders? Well after Michael walks away, he offers the following recitation:

“…Killed his older sister… killed three high school students… also killed three nurses and a paramedic same night… was believed to be dead, then killed four students, Hillcrest academy… and now he’s back.”

I left out the bulk of the text, but the message is clear – up until that night, Michael Myers had killed 12 people.

Now we’re going to play a game I like to call “whoever wrote this film didn’t even bother watching the previous movies”. Care to play along? Let’s count together.

1 – Judith Myers

2 – Random Mechanic Guy (this one’s key – it's the origin of Mike's love of boiler suits)

3 – Annie

4 – Guy who was supposed to be played by Dennis Quaid. (the kill Kevin Williamson misrepresented in the film Scream!)

5 – PJ Soles

6 – Random Teen he kills for no reason in what was probably a reshoot

7 – Security Guard at Hospital (it was just a cat!)

8 – Paramedic

9 – Hot Tub Nurse

10 – Doctor Mixter

11 - Syringe Nurse (probably the best shot in the film right there)

12 – Exsanguinated Nurse (Mrs. Alves – can’t believe I remembered that name!)

13 – Hallway Nurse

14 – Police Officer

15 – Punk Kid 1

16 – Punk Kid 2

17 – Loomis’ sidekick nurse from 1&2

18 – Short guy (god that mask really does look awful, doesn’t it?)

19 – Girl from Nash Bridges

20 – Adam Arkin

That’s right. Tubby was off by a whopping eight deaths – Michael Myers killed seventy percent more people than the character in the movie states.

Why is this so important? Because this utter disregard for even the most basic Michael Myers trivia demonstrates that this movie was written, directed, and produced by people who didn’t have the slightest understanding of the character – hell, who may not have ever bothered to give the previous films anything but the most cursory glance! And that’s including Rick Rosenthal, who directed both this film and part 2.

Just how wrong does the film Halloween Resurrection get Michael Myers? About fifty minutes into the film Busta Rhymes, who is dressed in a Michael Myers costume, will slap around and berate the actual Michael Myers. And not be summarily executed immediately afterwards.

Who could have written that into the script and not seen the problem with it? Who could have read that in the script and not said ‘whoa, whoa, hold on a minute there, sonny-jim – you know this is a Halloween movie, right? It’s a movie about a guy who just kills the hell out of people.’

Say what you will about Halloweens 4-6, all you have to do is watch 7 and 8 again and I flat out dare you not to profoundly miss Paul Rudd.