CLOVERFIELD ADDENDUM (SPOILERY)

So yeah, it turns out they did a few stupid things. But not so many that it ruined the film for me.

On the whole, not a bad movie, just a shockingly short one. Turns out I was off by a full ten minutes, and the credits rolled round about the 70 minute mark, making it well under 'feature length'. I know 'feature length' is a bit of a fuzzy line, but my own personal rule is that if you're not a good bit longer than one of those original Columbo movies that were aired in a 90 minute timeslot, then you're not as long as a real movie.

HOW TO RUIN YOUR OWN MOVIE: THE CLOVERFIELD EDITION

(The following was written paused 21 minutes into the movie “Cloverfield”)

I haven't seen the movie Cloverfield yet, but I already know how it's going to end. How do I know this? The filmmakers were nice enough to inform me in advance. As the film begins, two title cards come up. The first reads:

DOCUMENT #USGX-8810-B467
DIGITAL SD CARD
MULTIPLE SIGHTINGS OF CASE DESIGNATE
“CLOVERFIELD”

Then there's a second page, informing us that:

CAMERA RETRIEVED AT INCIDENT SITE “US-447”
AREA FORMERLY KNOWN AS “CENTRAL PARK”

I'm beginning to suspect....

That the writers of CSI: Miami have reached the point where they're just making fun of David Caruso. Not content to just write a bad TV show, now they're actively courting the derision of the kinds of people who watch awful television ironically.

I was happy to find that someone had edited together this montage:

An Open Letter to the Makers of Inside

(in case you don't feel like reading)

Fuck You.

Programme 3 (12-Mar-1977)

Cover: And what's free this week? It's some kind of a (I assume) plastic wallet to keep your secret resistance papers in. I'm sure it will come in handy once the Volgans attack after all, they'll never think to check inside the plastic 'Red Alert Survival Wallet' Man, I wish comic books had come with free gifts when I was growing up. Once in a blue moon I'd get a set of 3D glasses. And despite what Marvel might tell you, a Mylar bag sealing the comic away from dangerous air does not, in and of itself, constitute a 'free gift'.

Programme 2 (5-Mar-1977)

Prog 2 (5-March-77)

Cover: The free giveaways just keep on coming. I don't know a whole lot about the way new comics were marketed at the end of the '70s, but if these two issues can act as a representative sample, cheap toys were an draw for the young teens of the day. This time it's stickers that are meant to be attached to skin. Presumably hair-free skin, although the 1970s seem to have been a less litigious time, because there aren't any 'proper use' warnings to go along with it. As for the content it promises, apparently at some point this issue a hysterical woman will cry out in fear of a monster from the 'Hell Planet'. I'm going to out on a limb and assume this has something to do with Dan Dare's trip to Jupiter, but only time will tell.